There was a time when I wondered if Malaysia ever had a "gangster city" something similiar to the tough streets of Broklyn in America. A city whIch produced more gangsters, thugs, mobs and criminals than schollars, doctors and engineers. A city where the citizens we're forced to be born and breed tough. A mecca for aspiring gangster rappers to emerge rapping and rhyming about sex,drugs and women from the tough neighbourhood streets they grew up in.  I got my answer a few weeks ago when my very own city of JB (or JayBee if your a bad ass gangstar rapper) was categorized as the "Cowboy Town" of  Malaysia; basically thats another way of saying JB (or Johor Bahru for the educated schollars) is pretty much a lawless town. Before I begin my rant - I would first and foremost like to suggest that we take out this ridiclous "Cowboy Town" nickname. It's both disgraceful and degrading. As a replacement I have suggested a few other alternatives which I think sounds more "cun":

1) Gangster City

2) Thug Town

3) Ghetto Republic

4) Hells Kitchen Part 2

To get right down to it, packing my bags and migrating to Austraila has never sounded more tempting. If you havent read the papers recently go to the nearest Nasi Lemak stall, order yourself a packet and read the news from old newspaper wrappers. JB has been bombarded with a series of violent and daring criminal acts as of recent. First there we're the rape cases (some of which happened in broad daylight) then the robberies and snatch theft cases, put in a few corrupted police officers, pirate vcd sellers, pimps and bapuks and you have yourself the perfect setting for a sequel to rival Frank Millers "Sin City"... wait a second, Sin City is a good name, i'm putting that into option number 5 of suggested names to replace "Cowboy Town".

5) Sin City

There we go. Life has been hard for everyone living in JB nowdays (or Johore Baru if your royalty) I cant even meet my friends for our regular Teh Tarik hangout on Friday nights because of the fear, and that's exactly whats happening to the citizens of JB - we're all living in fear, and as long we live in fear we're letting the criminals win. I'm not suggesting your strap on your shiny rolex watch and dangle your Ipod Nano on your neck and step into a dark alley in Wong Ah Fook (or Wang Ah Fuck if your horny) i'm saying that we've got to start looking out for each other and i'm not just talking about your friends and family but the general public. The next time you see a snatch theif grabbing a womans handbag dont waste time contemplating your next move based on exactly how good looking the woman is and the small posibility that she might go out on a date with you if you save her - just step up and be vigilant or better yet wear your underwear outside of those stunning Levis jeans and be a vigilante! Hiding inside your houses and limiting your outdoor sessions to daytime will probably help but then again why should we modify our way of life for these dirt bags? I cant assure you that you wont get robbed or killed, I cant assure you that your new BMW 3 Series wont be missing by the time you get back to the carpark and I cant assure you that when you arrive home your house wont be missing that new 60inch LCD TV you just purchased from Courts a week ago. What I can assure is that by doing so you would be taking a positive first step in combating crime in JB - by showing that your not afraid.

Johoreans in a whole have to start being more helpfull, I for one agree that the Rukun Tettanga should be revived not just for the well being of the community but also to ensure that all "suami's" get an "alasan" to have teh-tarik with their buddies without being nagged by their "isteri's" and of course when they do catch a theif, there's that occasional "whack the life-out-of-the-f*cka" activity that's always a crowd puller. Then again if you're slightly wealthier and lazier you could just pay for a gated community like every neighbour hood seems to be doing. This of course doesnt guarentee absolute safety, but at least it's safe to know that the burglars will probably kill the guard on duty first before robbing you of your lot (therefore saving you enough time to dial for the police). By the way, I predict that by 2020 all houses in Malaysia will be part of a gated community - even the kampungs.

I dont think the special Police force that's being sent over to Johor Bahru will do much good, I do agree that I see them riding around a lot and making their presence felt but I fear that when they go back to KL, things might return for the worst. If we're lucky the army might be brought in to curb the situation and a curfew might be imposed, this will definetely be a good way to teach the younglings how exciting it was to live in the reminiscent of a World War era. Guns blazing an all if we're really really lucky.

Corrupted police officers also need to be dealt with firmly, especially those who only accept bribes of only RM100 above when a poor brother only has RM50. Next they should lay off on the VCD sellers. These people are doing more good for the community then bad, they make us save money and as long as TMNut Streamsux is providing snail-slow speeds in Malaysia - we'll prob still need to depend on them for the latest movies.

"Selling pirate English movies at low prices encourages the public to watch these movies which in turn will make their English better, therefore inclined with the goverments plan to boost the English language in the country loh" - Ah Kong (Pirated VCD Peddlar)

Laws for rapist should also be more strict, I suggest corporal mortification (a.k.a cut-their-mother-f*cking-dick-off) one's the word spreads i'm sure many of the countries aspiring racist bastards will gladly cringe the next time they even think of commiting such a crime. Leaving them in jail and then releasing them after dog years is a waste of jail cell space which should instead be used to lock up corrupted politicians. Cops also need to understand that although not common, it is perfectly normal for Chinese and an Indian guy to be driving in the same car at any time of the day - and it's insulting to suspect them of being a Bangladeshi and a Mynmar worker pull them over and molest the shit out of them by conducting a full body search.

With these measures in place, i'm sure that JB's crime rates can be curbed. If this still doesnt work, it might help if citizens of JB wore t-shirts that read "I'm not Singaporean".

Rave Off.